Lately I’ve been having little pity parties for myself. Nothing big or major, just a little discontentment and restlessness that I can’t quite seem to overcome. I know my husband has been the same way. We both sense that there are changes on the horizon but we get frustrated that we can’t see the whole picture, even though we are totally confident that Someone DOES know the whole picture and He will show us the pieces of it when we’re ready.
To be honest, this feeling of discontent has always made me feel a little guilty. I have zero reason to be upset. When I think about the journey that DH and I have been on the last year and where God has brought us and the infinite blessings He has lavished upon us, I am so overwhelmed with His grace and mercy that I feel ashamed that I would ever feel anything other than gratitude.
But still, I drift back into my pity parties.
This week, my heart has been wrecked. For some reason, right now DH and I are surrounded by hurting people…people who are dealing with things that I can’t even imagine dealing with. I pray that I never have to face some of the problems that our loved ones are facing.
I want to fix the problems. I’m sitting here crying thinking about the things our friends are going through and I want to fix it. I want to be able to present them with a concrete solution that will solve everything. I want to give them all neat little solutions tied up like presents, but I can’t.
I want to take their hurt away and make it all better. But I can’t.
All DH and I can do is listen and be there for them and pray. So we do. I feel like my life this week has been one constant prayer for people that I care about. Prayers for mercy, softening of hearts, peace, intervention, you name it.
My heart is so heavy but so hopeful at the same time.
And I feel selfish because my problems seem so miniscule in comparison.
I’ve been struggling with not wanting to seem ungrateful but still giving my desires over to God. I am so thankful for this life, and I never want to take it for granted, but at the same time I have hopes and desires for our life that I want to pray about.
Yesterday I was reading in Colossians, and in verse 4:2 it says “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.”
It’s okay to pray for things, as long as it’s done with thanksgiving for what we’ve already been given. The notes on my study Bible say “Thanksgiving leavens prayer, so that it does not become merely a selfish pleading to have one’s desires fulfilled.”
I’ll continue to pray for things, because I truly believe He has placed certain desires on my heart for the future, but I want to be sure to offer up prayers of thanks along with my petitions. I’ve been given so much, and I don’t want to cannot forget to be grateful.