Category Archives: church

Six months…

It seems unreal.

We had our last Sunday at our old church exactly six months ago.

It’s been six months since I’ve been a worship pastor’s wife.*

It’s been six months since I had to help unload a trailer at 6:30 in the morning on a Sunday.  It’s been six months since DH had a restless night of sleep because the responsibility of leading worship in the morning weighed so heavily on his heart.  It’s been six months since he was working 50-60 hours a week to make each Sunday morning service happen.

It’s also been six months since I got to worship with some of my good friends.  It’s been six months since I’ve even seen some people I care deeply about and who were a huge part of my life for years.  It’s been six months since I’ve last seen the smiles on kids’ faces that made getting up early on a Sunday totally worth it.

The last six months have been some of the most challenging in my life, and though I don’t like to speak for DH I’m pretty (or totally) sure it’s the same for him.  We’ve experience higher highs and lower lows than we thought possible.  We’ve laughed together and cried together (sometimes at the same time!).  We’ve had to disappoint friends and family by not making trips home because we couldn’t afford for DH to miss a gig.  We have explored our city and found tons of cheap (and free!) things to do for our weekly Date Day.  We’ve had weeks where we drove as little as possible because we needed to conserve gasoline until another check came in the mail.  We’ve both celebrated birthdays and our wedding anniversary.  We’ve watched some of our friendships fade because things can be just plain awkward sometimes.  We have been given opportunities to do the things we love and actually make money at the same time, which is something we certainly don’t take for granted.

Through it all, we have seen God’s faithfulness carrying us through each step of the way.  I am daily reminded of His love and His mercy even though I am so undeserving.  I’m ashamed at my unworthiness yet He continues to bless us, and I’ll never understand it though I am so grateful for it.

Six months.  Holy cow.  They’ve been utterly exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

*There is a remarkable difference in the reaction I get when I tell people my husband is a musician vs. a worship pastor.  When I told people he was a worship pastor, it inspired a conversation about the church he worked for.  Now when I tell people he’s a musician, I get an “Ohhh,” a pitying glance, and a change of subject. HA. ;)


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Filed under church, grace

I have a confession…

My confession is that I am a consumer Christian.  That term thrown around in church world for a person who comes and sits in a seat for worship and does nothing volunteer-wise.  You know, the people that the good and faithful church volunteers get frustrated with.

Yep, that’s me.  That’s never been me, but now is a weird time.

I’ve gone to church for probably eleven or twelve years.  I started going because my church needed an accompanist and I stayed for seven years, rarely missing a Sunday playing.  I think I attended two or three times in those seven years without accompanying services.

Then I fell in love with a musician passing through town (true story) and after eight months of long-distancing I moved to Lynchburg, Virginia to be with him.  He was still touring on the weekends but recommended a church to me, Brentwood Church.  I loved it there, and attended services regularly.  A few months after that, I got married, the hubby was playing in the band, and I started volunteering with the preschool class during the second service.

In August 2006 we moved to Charlotte to help plant a church.  The five months that we were here before the church started were spent visiting lots of area churches and getting ideas for our own program.  I spoke with lots of children’s directors and observed security setups and got curriculum ideas.  When the church finally started, I taught the K-5 class every Sunday.  Eventually some parents took over for me one week a month but other than that I was back there nearly constantly until a children’s director was hired.

Two months ago we left, and I am now a consumer Christian.

My husband has been playing at a couple of different churches on Sunday mornings, and if he’s nearby I’ll just go wherever he’s playing.  This morning, however, he was at a church an hour away.  He had to be there way too early for me to ride with him and it’s too far away to drive up there separately, so I went to our friend’s church Next Level Church.  I got there just as worship was starting, listened to the (super fun, by the way) country music they were playing to go with their “Gone Country” series, and listened to Todd preach a great sermon.  After the service I said hey to Todd, got in my car, and left.

It was glorious.

A small part of me felt guilty.  I saw people passing out series cards and people running media and lights and people opening the doors and greeting people.  I walked past them and sat down in a seat.  I knew people were teaching kids’ classes but I didn’t even see them.  I’m sure someone walked through the auditorium to collect trash but I didn’t have to worry about it.

I attended church.  And that’s it.  And even though I felt a teensy bit guilty, I realize that this is a healing time for us.  The husband is playing keyboards every Sunday and that’s healing for him.  Music is therapeutic and he doesn’t have the added stress of leading worship.  For now, my healing is to just be there.  I’m allowed to go to church and worship and absorb and not do anything.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that all of my doing of the past eleven years has gotten in the way of my worshiping and absorbing on Sunday mornings.

That’s not to say that I’ll never volunteer at a church again.  Right now it’s hard to commit anywhere with us attending a couple of different “home” churches, but I know in the future I’ll be involved again.  For now, though, I will sing and choke back tears during worship (which happens every.single.week, regardless of the setlist) and listen to sermons from pastors I trust and respect and be a little sad every now and then, all things that would not be happening if I was too busy doing and not spending time being present.  I will worship God and process my feelings and mourn the loss of seeing our church family on a Sunday morning, sometimes all at the same time.  And I will be thankful that I’m allowed to be still without feeling guilty.

I am a consumer Christian, and I think that’s okay as long as it’s a temporary season.  I think it’s just what I need right now.


Filed under church, life